Monday, March 7, 2011

How will you live...and love?

 Hey all,

Today's blog discusses a tricky subject.  One that most people would prefer to ignore until it happens to them or someone they know.

Death.  

As some of you may know, my FIL died this last week and we've been dealing with what happens when someone close to you passes.  I won't go into that here--it's too personal and private to blog about my husband's grief.  Instead I thought I'd share how it's affected me...how it made me re-look at my life and how I handle things.

“The question is not whether we will die, but how we will live.” ~~~   Joan Borysenko

This is what I've spent the last few days thinking about.  If you've read my blog, my books or visited my website, it should be pretty clear that I believe 100% in living life to the fullest.  Follow Your Dreams isn't just my tagline...it's a personal belief I follow with everything in me.

But when Death crooks a finger, whether capriciously or after a long illness, it makes you look deep within yourself.

Jonathon and I have a deal.  I go before him.  Period, end of conversation.  This was a promise he made to me back when we were young, foolish and thought we'd live forever.  But as we get older, I find myself reminding him of that deal more and more often.  Why?

Because the thought of living without him is intolerable.

I love my husband.  And though there are times I'd cheerfully kick him in the balls and then strangle him without mercy, I still adore him.  He's my lover, my best friend and the only one on the planet who knows me inside and out and still somehow accepts me.  Love is truly blind.

When his dad died, I of course, selfish beast that I am, had barely finished worrying about how Jon would take the loss before I started thinking about how I'd feel if something were to happen to MY sweet baboo.  And honestly, the idea is so horrific I can't even think about it.  I cried over his loss, but I wept buckets over the thought I might have to some day be a widow.

Am I afraid to be alone?  Maybe a little, but being a writer is a solitary pursuit, and I enjoy my alone time greatly.  I can and have gone weeks without seeing anyone.  But what I'm truly afraid of is having a part of myself--the best part--removed.  It may sound like a line in one of my novels, but I'm not sure I'd make it through losing my other half, because that is what my husband is...the other half of my soul.

We've been married twenty-seven years this month, (thank you) and you don't spend that much time with a man without joining your hearts together.  And I know if his was ripped away from me, I'd want to die myself.

So, knowing all that...knowing how important he is to me...how imperative we are to each other, what do we do?  The answer is simple.

Live.  Live and love as if there was no tomorrow.  Think of your sweet baboo as desert and have him first...always.  Don't put off loving him until you have time or the inclination.  Remember death's capricious finger?  We never know when he'll crook it at us.  Wouldn't you rather know you've done everything possible to live, love and enjoy your life and lover?

I know I would.

So, now Jon and I have a new deal.  (Oh, the old one's still in place, or I swear I'll drag him back from the other side!)  Every day is to be treated as if it were the only day that counts.  Today is what's important because we don't know what tomorrow will bring.  And if that means more laughter, love and pleasure in life, I can't imagine arguing too hard with that!!!!

Anyway, I hope my soul searching has given you something to think about.  I know my journey down this new and intriguing road is just beginning.  Maybe in some ways you'll share it with me.

I'll be back on Wednesday with some info about the latest contest I'm having.  Stop by and check it out!

Hugs to all,

CJ England










http://cjengland.com
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/CJsaysFollowYourDreams/

6 comments:

Janice said...

Hi CJ,

My dad passed away 25 years ago and I saw first hand what it did to my mom.

She lived through it but losing my father broke her heart. She's remarried now and happy. But she waited ten years for her heart to heal.

Life and love can begin again.

Janice~

CJ England said...

Hey Janice,

Thanks for the encouraging words. While in my head I know I'd go on and learn to live and love, my heart is standing there with it's arms folded stomping it's feet. LOL

Phylis said...

Michael's mother passed away a couple of years ago and while his dad is still alive you sense that only part of him is still here, his heart has gone on. Michael tells me that he will go first, he wouldn't be able to live without me. He knows I could but it will be lonely, very lonely.

CJ England said...

Phylis,

I think that's a good way to put it. Your heart goes on to be with the one gone.

Collin Raye has a song I love. I want it played at both Jon and my memorial services.

http://v.youku.com/v_show/id_XMTcyNzQ2MzAw.html

Beautiful.

CJ England said...

*posted with permission*

I know what you mean. Nearly 30 years ago, my grandmother had a quintuple bypass with little warning. That Christmas, I watched my grandfather essentially set his house in order. He turned the "Santa" role over to his son and he gave some things to various family members. I warned my sister to listen carefully when the grandparents called to sing happy Birthday to her in February. He had a wellness checkup at the local Navy hospital (retiree) on Valentine's Day. They decided that he was a little dehydrated and wanted to run some tests (it's not every day you can get data on a 90-some year old). He died in his sleep before the week was up. He knew that Grandma could get along with her family to keep an eye on her, but he didn't want to outlive her. She outlived him about 15 years and at the end she was ready to be free of a body that was just worn out. She never remarried. She called him her one & only.

Virginia

CJ England said...

Virginia,

What a wonderful testimony. Thank you so much for sharing. It hard to think about being without that special someone. I guess that's what this last week has taught me.