Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Good Sex...Happy Women

Good Tuesday All...

I just saw this really interesting article on my Netscape page. It is called...

3 Mistakes Men Make That Causes Women To NOT Have Sex With…

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The title caught my eye...and me being known for some hot sex in my books, I gave it a read. I found it interesting because it focused not on technique, but on emotion...and what happens after the "sex" is finished.

Go take a look, but to summarize, the top three mistakes are rolling over and going to sleep, getting up immediately afterwards and doing something else, and picking up the remote to watch TV and forgetting she is there.

Now, having had all three of these lovely ego boosting things happen to me in the past, I can say the author, Lee Jenkins--who is male by the way--is dead on. When a man shuts down after sex, and that is what he's doing whether falling asleep, leaving or turning on the boob tube, he is saying without words he's done and you don't matter any more.

Is that what he really means? Probably not, but as it's been pointed out in the past, men are a tad different than women, and a smart and loving man will remember that. Just because a man is done and ready to move on, for a woman, an important part of the sex has still yet to happen.

Call it afterglow, post-coital snuggling, or plain old intimacy, for most women it is just as important (and sometimes more) than the actual climax itself.

Say it ain't so!!!!

Sorry guys, I've talked to a lot of women and most say the same thing. The moments after sex are the time to show us we aren't just pieces of meat to dip your wick in. Now comes the special loving that makes what we did...memorable.

All the technique in the world doesn't matter if you leave us feeling as if any two dollar whore would do the same for you.

So what does a smart man do? He reminds himself that sex is a partnership and that all of it is important, and then he teaches himself to take that time to love and cuddle afterwards.

I remember having this discussion once with my own hunky honey. He was the champ of the roll-over. Well, not actually the roll-over. He'd just fall asleep. *smile* On top, under, beside--it didn't matter. When he found his release, his body said, nighty-night.

I will be the first to admit that pissed me off. Where was the afterglow...the cuddling? For a long time I stewed and was hurt, but finally I'd had enough. When he did it again, I let him have it with both barrels.

And I was shocked to find out he was totally without a clue. He wasn't being uncaring or rude. He loved me. But as far as he was concerned, he was doing what was natural. Once the fireworks fizzled, we had a long talk and it was at that point we both began to learn.

I learned not to assume he knew what I needed and he learned he had some studying to do.

That was years ago and it's held us in good stead and when we are intimate, he's learned not only that it's important to snuggle, but he's actually grown to like it and need it. How cool is that?

Now is this always true?

Of course not. Sometimes quickies are fun too. You're on your way out to an important dinner, he gets that gleam in his eyes and takes you hard and fast against the bathroom door. Or you see him at the grill and for some reason that manly stance makes you drool, so you pull him down on the porch and have your wicked way with him while the hamburgers cook.

You may not have time for that post-coital affection that you want, but a smart woman knows that. Take the slap and tickle, give him a bite on the chin and saunter away like you do it all the time.

Give and take in sex, as in any relationship is what make things work. The bottom line here...men need to be more aware of a woman's needs, and women can't be afraid to tell them what those needs are. And the clincher is...listen.

Men, listen and understand that to us you rolling over is the same as if we were having sex and we walked away before you had a chance to orgasm. Coitus Interruptus.

Women, communicate and don't stew in silence. If he doesn't listen than he may not be the man of your dreams. If he does listen and changes his ways, you have a winner.

He's already great at sex, right? Now he's good at making love. And to me, those are two very different things.

For more information on Lee Jenkins and his book Female Orgasms Black Book, click on the title. I think I'm going to pick one up just out of curiosity. He also has other articles that you might be interested in as well, so check them out as well.

Good loving all!


Anonymous said...


I agree!

Men need to be trained. I dont mean that in a bad way. Women always assume that men can read our minds (I have no idea why!) If you dont tell them what you like or don't like, how will they know?


mamasand2 said...

I totally agree. There is a popular book called "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".
Your post gives a great and very important illustration of that concept.
Both partners need to spend more time learning what they BOTH need.
Well done CJ.


Anonymous said...

My husband will lay down and put his arm out for me to cuddle in when we are done. In fact, I didn't have to train him at all. *grin* A very good article CJ. Phylis

CJ England said...

You know Joy, I always wondered why that was too. I know a lot of times I speak woman shorthand and just assume Jonathon is getting it. But when his eyes start to glaze I have to pull back and go...wait...are you actually understanding me.

And he has to not be afraid to say... "Babe...your speaking Greek here."


CJ England said...


One of my all time favorite books. And once you read it, it opens your eyes.

I often wonder how we as a species made it at all.

But then I think...oh...it's that whole primitive mating thing. It's the only way we could make sure there was someone around to learn these things later. *grin*

CJ England said...

He's a keeper Phylis. I know for me once Jonathon "GOT" that part, it made all the difference.

I'm a cuddler.

Julie said...

Some very good advice here. Now to find someone to try it out with. LOL

CJ England said...

*grin* Think of it this way Julie. When you find him, he won't know what hit him, you'll be soooo perfect!


limecello said...

Hi CJ!

Great article! Now if only we could make everyone read it - AND follow through with it...
So common sense, yet all of us need reminders. This is why "He's Just Not That Into You" was so successful and has like 12 spin offs.

CJ England said...

I sat down and read it with Jonathon, then made him read my blog before he left for work.

He laughed and then kissed me and told me he might be slow, but he was worth it! LOL

Jenifer said...

I totally agree! HUbby and I mostly have always had the cuddleing after, but like you said, there are times when a quicky is all you want or can get at the moment :)

CJ England said...

Thanks Catt! I love the afterglow too. I think it's one of the best part about connecting with your partner.

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