Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Where Oh Where Have My Boobies Gone??????

Sung to the tune, How Much is That Doggy in the Window

I wanted to go on a diet,
And get myself healthy and strong
Lose weight from my hips, thighs and buttocks,
But something went horribly wrong.

Daily exercise helped get the lard off,
And good eating took care of the rest,
But a glance in the mirror sent me reeling,
What the hell has happened to my breasts?

How much is a breast augmentation?
To go back to a 36C?
How much is a breast augmentation?
I think I might get one for me.

I feel like I’m one of those women,
In National Geographic magazine.
Whose breasts hang down way past their stomachs,
Because there’s no fat in between.

Why did no one tell me of the danger?
Why is boob loss a secret that’s kept?
All I know is now I have to go shopping
Since not one of my old bras still fit.

How much is a breast augmentation?
To go back to a 36C?
How much is a breast augmentation?
I think I might get one for me.

My husband is one of those males,
Who drools over bodacious ta-tas
And though I know he will always love me
I think he is feeling the loss.

They say more than a mouthful is a waste.
That it’s no big deal being so flat.
But if I’d known that a diet would so change me,
I think I’d have held on to my fat.

How much is a breast augmentation?
To go back to a 36C?
How much is a breast augmentation?
I think I might get one for me.

Maybe I’ll spring for a 38 double D!

~*~ it's not perfect, and before anyone goes crazy and all PC on me, it's just a parody.  A joke about how I feel about losing so much weight and most of it in my boobs.  So if me making fun of tiny tits offends you, you should probably stop reading now.  

Everyone still here?  Good. 

So what the hell?  I asked around once my boobs started to shrink, and I'm not the only one this has happened to.  I mean, I'm not flat.  (I just had to use that since it rhymed with fat.) LOL  But I did loose a whole bra size and it was very noticeable.  Especially if you lean over and you get that whole naked native woman look going for you.  Geesh.

Why can't I lose the weight in my stomach or thighs where I usually store it up?  My butt is okay as is my upper torso, but instead of targeting all those unflattering curves around the middle, the diet sucked the fat right out of my breasts.  I swear, it makes no sense.

My sweet baboo and I were laughing about it this weekend.  We wondered why can't doctors take the fat from your thighs and put it back in your boobs so you can keep the shape you want.  But then we decided it would be just my luck that the fat I put in my chest would slither back down to my ass, but in the meantime, my ass would have freaked over the fat loss and worked double time to make more.  So I'd wind up with even smaller tits and my thighs would rival a water buffalo.

*sigh*  So much for new ideas.

Would I get the breast augmentation surgery?  Sure, if I really needed it.  I don't have any problem with women who want to enhance their shapes.  As long as they don't stack themselves so big and pointy they are a danger in public. We don't want them putting out someone's eye with those things.  But other than that,  I think it's totally up to them. 

What I want to know is why, after all the scientific breakthroughs we have had, we can't do the simple things like cure the common cold and prevent breast loss.  The first is important to our overall health and the second, whether everyone wants to agree or not, is important to a lot of women's self esteem.  I'll admit it, it is important to how I feel about myself.

Am I going to gain the weight back so my ta-tas can bloom and grow?  I think not.  But as I lose these last five pounds I am going to watch closely with the measuring tape at the ready.  I think if I lose another inch, I may be checking out plastic surgeons and their pics of 36DD!  LOL

You all have a great hump day.  I'll be back on Friday with a guest blogger, Meg Benjamin!


CJ England

Follow Your Dreams


Renee Wildes said...

OMG - too funny! Of course, that's the only advantage to BEING Ruben-esque...(sp?) besides the whole insulation-in-winter deal. (Hey, it gets darn COLD in central WI!)

Seriously, though - congrats on the weight loss!

Phylis said...

Congrats on the weight loss. As one who has never been considered small in the boobie endowment that hasn't made that much of an impact on me. lol Now if I could lose a whole bra size plus a cup size I would be estatic! My hubby is like yours and he is a breast man. I have plenty to make him happy! lol

Kelley Heckart said...

Hi CJ,

That is a bummer that women lose the weight in their boobs.
I must be weird because I kind of wish I had small boobs so I could go bra-less. If I don't wear a bra it's pretty obvious now at my age.
Major bummer.

But congrats on the weight loss.

ladydi6497 said...

This is so funny! I have to admit that I lost 7 pounds in one hour. I had to have a reduction done for health reasons so I know about losing the tatas.

I have also lost about 25 pounds lately so there is even less there.

CJ England said...

Thanks Renee, :-)

I enjoyed writing it. Sometimes its just a giggle to poke fun at yourself.

CJ England said...


I've never been huge, but I was happy with what I had. That's why I whimpered when I saw it wasting away. *sigh*

CJ England said...

Thanks Celtic Chick,

My sweet baboo loves me braless. (duh) but I've never liked to. Too many years riding horses in a bathing suit. OUCH! LOL

But for him...once in a while.

CJ England said...


Congrats on your weight loss. I know someone who did what you did and it changed her life. For the first time she had a handle on her weight and she's been successful keeping it off ever since.

I think she just needed the incentive to get started and then it wasn't such an uphill battle, if you know what I mean.

Caroline Clemmons said...

How funny! I remember when my sister in law won this big prize of a year at a gym with pesonal consultation, a year of beaty salon appt. and we were so impressed she actually lost weight. But, her boobs disappeared.

congrats on losing weight. Wish I could!

CJ England said...


Congrats to your SIL, but give her my regrets over the death of her boobies. LOL

See what I mean. You do all the right things, but lose something precious just because you get healthy!

Very wrong.

Anonymous said...

CJ, you are an absolute crack-up...well, boobless crack-up (tee-hee). I know what you mean about losing weight - boobs are the first to go, and why is that?? Love the post - you got a few laughs out of me.

CJ England said...

Hey Kay Dee,

Glad I could make you giggle. It was one of those blogs that just happened when Jonathon and I were joking about it.

I've gotten a lot of hits and feedback, so I don't think I'm the only one who had her boobies stolen. LOL

Unknown said...

Congrats on the weight! Bummer on the boobs. I wouldn't mind losing a bit in the boob area but I already need a 'perk' job to erase the last 30 years of gravity's damage. LOL

CJ England said...

Thanks Connie.

I know what you mean. LOL That whole National Geographic look is a real turn off to me. *snort*